Custody

Introduction
If you are in the mists of a custody battle with an abusive spouse or partner what other people think of you is very important. That may seem discouraging at times because so many people don't understand domestic violence and may be treating you like you are the problem or at least part of it. Because your emotions are likely very strong, you must also be very guarded so that you don't come across  as "emotional" or "unstable." You abuser will likely seem very calm and reasonable when he speaks with police or court officials. If you come across  as angry and hysterical (though you may very reasonable be) you will be handing over a very strong advantage to your abuser. The very first thing you need to do is tell yourself you are strong and you will overcome-over and over until you believe it. Once you recognize that you are strong and you do have ways to protect yourself and your children you will be in a much better position to succeed in securing the protection you need. This will be the fight of your life, and it is not likely to end anytime soon. Everything I address is from a women's point of view in dealing with an abusive man. Sometimes the abusive party is the women. I don't have personal experience with an abusive women and I have not done any research on how abusive women tend to behave. I would suspect that there is both overlap and differences in how abusive women behave. I do not want to give the impression that all men are abusive (some are quite wonderful) or that all batterers are men. However; this site is intended to help women who are dealing with their male batterers.

It is fine for the police and court officials to see that you are upset and afraid, just not overwhelmingly so. Slow down and think before you speak so that you are able to express yourself well. Never call your ex derogatory names, yell or anything else that may make you look angry and vindictive. The vision of the vindictive women is what allows many batterers to succeed in making themselves appear as the real victim.

So first and foremost, you are strong. You may not want to handle this, but you can and you will. You will not allow him to make you loose control. You are in control of you! You are not alone, even when it seems like it.


Lawyers

Do not assume that you can just walk into court, tell your story and the judge is going to protect you and your children. You really do need an attorney. Some women have been successful without one, but that is not generally the case. Attorneys are expensive. You may be able to apply for Pro Bono services, but often these programs have long waiting lists and a judge does not have to wait for you to have an attorney in family court. You may be able to call attorneys and ask them personally to take your case Pro Bono or with an agreement to pay them later, but good attorneys are busy and have plenty of paying clients with good causes. No matter how kind and caring of a person the attorney is he/she is not running a charity and a large portion of their fee goes into being able to do business. Additionally, you don't need just any attorney, you need a clever attorney with a good reputation in the county your case is in. All attorneys are not created equal. Again, domestic violence shelters and support groups maybe good places to get information on what attorney you should or should not choose. Chances are, you are going to have to pay for your attorney and they will ask for several thousands up front.

If you can not come up with the money right away and you can not borrow it or sell something to obtain it you may try living with a friend or relative who will help you by not making you pay rent so that you may work and save up the money quickly. If you have to live with someone else it is very important that the home has enough room, is clean, and the person you are living with does not have a criminal history or drug and alcohol problems. An attorney maybe more willing to begin working on your case if you can assure them you are saving up the money to pay them and they will be paid before the court hearing. If your case is particularly complicated you will likely need to continue saving once you have paid your attorney because it won't take long before the initial money runs out.

It is very important that you choose your attorney wisely. I picked mine out of the phone book and somehow got lucky, but don't count on that. Not all attorneys are clever, will fight for you and they don't all understand domestic violence (though I am sure most think they do). A good attorney will instantly help you by making you feel safer, protected and a little more in control. A good attorney will accomplish that, not through promises to win your case, but by listening to you and letting you know that they understand how serious your situation is. Often the first consultation is free and this is a good time to find out about the attorney. You should ask questions about their experience, their understanding of domestic violence (and parental abduction if that is a concern in your case). You should ask what steps can be taken to protect yourself and your children and what the local judges' attitudes are towards domestic violence.

It is very important that you are up front with your attorney about anything that may make you look bad. They need to know if you have a criminal history and the details of it. They need to know if you have any problems with drugs and alcohol. They need to know if you have any psychiatric issues. They need to know if you have been involved with child protective services. Don't try to lie or minimize anything negative in your history. Your attorney can not be properly prepared if he doesn't know all about anything and everything that can be used against you.
Remember

* Utilize resources available from domestic violence shelters and support groups. They will be able to point you towards a good attorney.
* It is very important that you have an attorney and that your attorney understand domestic violence.
* It may be difficult to obtain an attorney so you may need to brainstorm and try many ways to obtain legal representation.
* Always be 100% honest with your attorney

What Behavior to Expect from your Ex
As you read the following section, do not allow your self to get alarmed. Most people, even most batterers will not go to such extremems. You want to be prepared and ready, but not alarmed, afraid and paranoid. If he crosses all the boundries and is hell bent on destroying you, you can not stop him from trying. You can not reason with him and you are not responsible for his actions. You can be prepared. You can plan for your safety and remain in control of your own behavior. Careful safetly planning and self control will help you greatly in court. Abusive men who seek to continue thier control and abuse by fighting for custody are those most likely to go to extremes.
Ending the relationship does not mean ending the abuse
There are batterers who do not go to extremes and some will walk away all together. Of course if that is the case, you will not have a custody battle. It is very common for a batterer to become more violent and dangerous at the time of separation. An abused women is more likely to end up in the hospital or even dead, than at any other time. It is imperative that you don't underestimate your ex. Don't take any abusive actions lightly and don't think he will have some sudden change of heart. Most batterers are very good liers (as you very well may already know) and they can be very creative in thinking of ways to try to destroy and punish you or to force you to return. Normal people don't think the way they do so you have to be prepared for anything.

Many women who have survived attempted murder by their ex reported being surprised that he would go that far. Hopefully your ex will not go that far, but you need to realize that it is a possibility especially if he has ever threatened to kill you or threatened you with a weapon.

He will likely harass you any and every way he can
Chances are you will not be surprised if your ex seeks out chances to yell at you, call you names and otherwise verbally harass you. Text messages, e-mails and phone calls will all likely be excessive. Save all communications that you can. If you must communicate with your ex it is best to use e-mail only. He may also send you letters through the mail thinking that if he puts accusations in a letter directly to you than other people will believe it to be true and believe he is trying to be civil. Don't let such letters stress you out, most people will recognize them for what they are.

He will likely lie about you
A batterer loves to keep his behavior secret. Now that you are leaving he rightfully is worried about who you tell the truth about him too. He will try to discredit you by lieing about you to anyone who will listen (and even those not interested in what he has to say). Expect that he will say you cheated on him, neglect or abuse the kids, are involved with drugs and/or alcohol, that you are violent, mentally unstable. He may tell people you are being investigated for crimes or child abuse. He will likely say these things to your friends, family, employer, the police, court officials, his attorney-anyone who will listen.

He may use other people to talk and harass you (stalking by proxy)
A batterer will use others to stalk and harass you if he can't, and even if he can. He will call child protective services and make false allegations. He will call the police and report all kinds of wrong doing on your part. He may do these things in several counties so that you are getting visits from these professionals often. He may tell the children's doctor that you abuse them, or that you abuse drugs. He may file multiple protection orders on behalf of him or the children, law suites, criminal charges ect. He may have family and friends call you to threaten you or to "talk some sense into you." He may use the children to pass you messages or lie to them to make them angry at you.

He may try to frame you for a crime you did not commit
Your ex may try to frame you for a crime. I don't know how often this happens in general, but my ex tried to frame me as a drug dealer and I was totally unprepared for that. If it wasn't for the fact that he did a very poor job, I may have spent years in prison for a crime I would have never thought of committing and who knows what would have happened to my children. If you are around him in person he may cause an incident and try to make it look like it is your fault, even if there are witnesses. It sounds crazy because it is, but your ex might act like you pushed or hit him and fall down when you try to hand him something. He may position himself in such a way as to make it look like you hit him with your car when you are leaving. Be prepared that anything he does or threatens  to do, he may accuse you of doing-a very common tactic of the batterer. On the flip side, if he accuses you of something untrue and you don't know of him doing it, it would be a safe bet that he is or is planning to do that very thing. If he accuses you of drugs, he likely does drugs. If he accuses you of abusing the kids, even if you have never witnessed it, he likely is abusing the kids. Don't think that just because you never saw him do something when you were together means that he won't be doing it now, or even that he wasn't actually doing it then.

He may harass and stalk by sending professionals to your home
It is more than likely that he will call child protective services and make complaints about you. He may say anything. He might also contact the police and ask them to check on the children because he is afraid for them. You might have social workers and police officers visiting your home on a daily basis. He may come with the police and tell him he is suppose to have the children even if there is no court order. He may send his family and friends to your home.

He might stalk you
He might watch you and follow you. He might go through your trash, sneak in your home when no one is there, try to go through your car, steal you mail or open and reseal it, try to hack into your accounts. More rarely, he might tap your phone lines. He might be trying to gather information to use against you in court, to make you fear him, because he can't let go, to punish you, to hurt you, and to communicate that he can do whatever he wants. Stalking is an extreme measure to regain control. It may go on for weeks, months or years.

He might try to abduct the children
Most cases of reported parental abduction are solved quickly. Often the offending parent returns the children late. Occasionally the situation becomes more sever. A parent who has never before expressed interests in the children may abduct them to punish you. If he has made threats that you will never see the children again or he is going to take them from you, be sure to read the page on parental abduction. I will add to it as often as I can.

He might assault or attempt to murder you
I really hate to even type it out, but assault and murder happen during divorce and custody battles. If he has threatened to kill you, take it seriously. If he has threatened to harm the children, take it very seriously. If he has threatened to commit suicide, understand that he may not plan on going out alone. If he has ever threatened you with a weapon even if the threat didn't specify that he intended to kill you understand that he may have meant for you to take it that way. If he is stalking you, that is a big red flag. You absolutely can not spend your days worrying that he will try to kill you, but you can understand the possibility and take steps to protect yourself.




Your Behavior

For a variety of reasons victims of domestic violence sometimes go through a period of time where they sort of just fall apart-before they turn into survivors of domestic violence (rather than victims). This falling apart period is very understandable-to those who understand. Victims are often overwhelmed, afraid, suffering from trouble sleeping, not eating well ect. This falling apart must be somewhat controlled. Go ahead and fall apart at night when the kids are in bed. You can cry, talk to family and friends, express your anger and frustration-but it must be controlled. You may not be able to help crying in front of the kids, but avoid talking about your fears and anger in front of them. Make sure you keep all their Dr appointments even if you have to change their Dr to avoid you ex finding out when you will be somewhere (If your ex knows who the children's doctor is they can call and see if there are appointments and when). Make sure your children are always clean, dressed well and being fed nutritious food (abusers will often use child protective services to harass you and you won't know when they are coming). Make sure your house is clean and well organized for the same reasons. Even if you are still married, if you are not living with your spouse, you may be able to get food stamps and health care to cover the expenses of properly caring for your children when you are unable to afford these necessities on your own. Remember that being poor is OK, but neglect is not. It is fine if your children are wearing old clothes from Goodwill. It is not fine if the clothes are filthy. It is fine if  children are outside playing in the dirt. It is not fine if they still have that dirt on them when they go to bed. It is fine if you need food stamps or wic. It is not fine if your children are not eating nutritious meals. Obviously your children are not going to suffer long term consequences if a week or two goes by with dirty dishes, piled up laundry, floors that need swept and TV dinners. However; if the police show up for a wellness check or child protective services show up to investigate allegations of abuse, the details matter. In other words, you can't afford to fall apart except for small moments when it is safe to fully express yourself.

Understand that batterers often use the police and child protective services to stalk by proxy. These professions are not; however, coming to harass you. They are doing their job and they have no way of knowing ahead of time if the children are in danger or not. In some cases you may see these professionals on an almost daily basis. Do not allow your outrage at being accused or your anger at your ex to influence your treatment of these professionals. Let them know that you have left an abusive situation and are in the middle of a custody battle. Be polite and friendly. While it may be annoying that your ex is sending these professionals to your house to investigate you, it can work to your benefit if you think before you speak. Don't call your ex derogatory names and don't speak of the situation in front of the children. Pull the professional aside and explain the situation. If something about your current environment is inadequate point it out to the investigator and explain that you are not satisfied with your situation but you are doing everything you can to protect yourself and your children and explain what steps you are taking to correct anything problematic. Batterers often accuse their victims of abusing the children and this attempt at harassment actually creates a record in your favor. If everything is in order and the children are doing well a report will reflect that. You will have documentation by professionals that you are a good mother providing for your children.

Do not use drugs or alcohol-at all. Do not go out drinking with your friends looking for an escape-even just once. These substances will affect your judgement and behavior. One arrest for something like public intoxication or drinking and driving can cause you countless problems, much less during a custody battle. Your emotions are running high and you are at a great risk of "loosing it" if you use drugs or alcohol. If you have an addiction (many victims of abuse do) seek help immediately. Do not risk you children by indulging in an addiction no matter how strong the urge.

Control your anger. I can not repeat enough that you can never call your abuser derogatory names. Do not call him on the phone to tell him how angry you are about anything. If you must call him, check the wire tap laws in your state and record the conversation IF it is legal (in some states you have to notify the person you are speaking to that you are recording the conversation, in others it is legal to record any conversation that you are a party of). Never yell or swear in front of anybody. Do not yell or swear at your ex. Do not go to where he is for any reason, even if he begs and says how sorry he is. If you go to where he is and a problem arises it will been seen as your fault. If it is important have a police officer escort you. Do not answer the phone to your ex. You can consider text messaging (again don't show anger in anything, especially writing) or e-mail if you must communicate. If you have an attorney then communication can often occur between the attorneys.

Do not let your ex lure or bate you. Many of his behaviors are designed to create situations where you will loose your cool. He wants you to be afraid, angry and emotional. He wants to get a reaction out of you. He wants you to make yourself look bad. He will try to lure and bait you in many creative ways. He wants you to react in ways that allow him to say ..."See how crazy she is!" "She what a lier she is!" "See how bad she is to the kids!" "See what I have had to put up with!" Don't give him the opportunity to make it look like all the things he says about you are true. Assume every conversation you have with him, mutual friends, his family ect, it being recorded.

It may be unfair, but your anger does not matter. You can not seek to punish him or get him back in any way. If he has committed a crime (domestic violence, stalking, assault and intimidation are crimes but he will not be prosecuted on your word alone) you are absolutely able to be involved in the prosecution and expect justice. Family court, however, has absolutely nothing to do with your anger, with revenge, justice or punishment of any kind (except of course contempt but don't expect much from that either). Family court is about the division of property and the best interests of the children. Your anger is not a reason for you to get custody. In fact, your anger is viewed as NOT in the best interests of your children. Your fears and concerns about your ex's factual behaviors are relevant to custody. If you come across as angry, you come across as vindictive. If you come across as concerned, your concerns are much more likely to be taken seriously. Do not let him or his attorney get you to be emotional.  Do not let him get you to loose control of your temper and express anger in front of the police or anyone else. Do not fear the police or be effected emotionally if they act like you are part of the problem. If you are doing everything you can to stay away from your ex then explain to the police that this is not the tit for tat situation that your ex is trying to make it look like (again a common tactic for batterers). Calmly explain to them that you are going out of your way to stay away from your ex and you are only interested in the safety of your children and yourself. Do not allow yourself to be bated or lured into a situation that can be manipulated to make you look bad.

You should call you local police, before there is a problem. Inform them of your name, the name of your ex and where you live. Let them know that you have left an abusive situation and you have concerns about his behavior. Inform them that you will never, under any condition invite him to your home (and mean it) and that he is never, under any condition welcome to come to your home. Check your local laws on obtaining a protection order. Your attorney, the police, the clerk of courts and domestic violence shelters should be able to give you information about protection orders in you area. Never hesitate to call the police if there is a problem. If you hear noise outside at night and your scared but unsure if it is anything to worry about, go ahead and call the police.

Protection orders are particularly important in situations involving harassment and stalking. Driving by your home three times in one day all by itself will not mean anything to police and prosecutors. Calling and leaving a nasty message will not matter either. If you have a protection order, however; these actions are illegal and you no longer have to wait until he actually hurts you to get the help of the police and prosecutors. Once you have a protection order, each and every time he commits acts of harassment or stalking will be a violation of that order. Each time he is caught violating that order will also be useful for you in your case against him in family court. It provides proof that goes beyond your word alone. Don't expect that a protection order will actually control the actions of your ex. Some will not violate it out of fear of prosecution, others will believe they can't get caught or just won't care.  Do not forget that if you get a protection order you are bound by it as well. Stalking laws all by themselves are rather useless most of the time. They require that the prosecutor prove the stalkers intentions and that is a very hard thing to do. If your ex is watching you, he will likely be long gone before the police can catch him. You yourself may only find out about a very small percent of the time that he is actually watching.

Do not underestimate the resources available from domestic violence shelters and support groups. These people have been where you are. Besides being able to give you practical advice, talking with people who have been where you are will help you keep yourself together. No matter how strong you are, sometimes you don't feel it. Having people to talk to who really understand will help you more than you think. Your mental stability is important for you, your children and your custody battle. You ex may tell people you are mentally unstable while doing everything he can to stress you beyond your breaking point. Sometimes just knowing that other people have made it through all you are going through right now can relieve some of that stress. Get counseling if you need it, but keep in mind that what your councilor's file on you may not be confidential if a Guardian ad litem is assigned to your case. There are mental health centers that charge fees based on a sliding scale based on income, so don't let money stand in the way of getting help if you need it. Be sure to get your children counseling if they need it. A two-year old won't, but a 7 year-old might know a whole lot more about what is going on than you think.

I addressed it earlier, but it is worth repeating-watch who you associate with. Do not be around or have your children around anyone with a criminal record or substance abuse problems. Those you associate with will either help your case in court or hurt it. Don't be understanding about other people's circumstances at your own detriment.

Be involved with your children's school and make sure the teachers and counselors are aware of anything that may be interfering with your children's ability to learn. If you are not in PTA, join. Volunteer to help out. Make yourself known at the school. Not only will this benefit your children's education and help you in court, interacting with you on a regular basis will keep the school reminded of your children's situation and that will help your children get any help they need. If school is dangerous-if you believe your ex might pick up the kids you might consider talking with the school. You may be able to get a restrainer order. If you do make sure you give a copy of it to the school so that they can enforce it. You might be able to get information regarding what they will be learning over the next few weeks. Then pull them out and homeschool until you have a temporary custody order that you can give the school a copy of. Of course you may decide you want to homeschool permanently, or you may send your children to another school. If you plan to pull them out of school temporarily, talk about this with your attorney. You don't want to do anything that might be misinterpreted by the court. You might be able to prevent any misinterpretation by writing a letter to the school (don't talk bad about your ex) formally informing them that you will be homeschooling until the date of your hearing for temporary custody do to concerns for the children's safety. Include specific dates, especially when you intend on them returning to school. Of course you don't want to send them if your ex will know where they are and he is dangerous to them, but it will be a balancing act. Homeschooling is legal in all 50 states and if you coordinate your lesson plans with the school for the temporary purpose of keeping them safe until a court order can be put in place hopefully your intentions will be clear. Again, talk to your attorney before pulling them out of school unless you believe their life actually depends on your ex not ever knowing where they are (also a reasonable action if their is evidence that he plans to abduct the children). If it is possible to keep your kids in school, the same school, that is best. They are going through so many changes and these teachers know you kids. They probably have some idea that there was problems already and will be useful to you in helping your kids through this. Don't be too hard on your kids if their grades are slipping, it is normal for kids to have trouble concentrating during times of great stress. Your ex will try to use that in court, but if you are helping them and working with the school the court will likely realize that your children are having problems due to all the changes and not because you are a bad mother.

It is difficult when you are stressed to your limits, but have fun with your kids. Eat dinner at the table. Talk to them about their day and their feelings. Help them with their school work. Play games and at the park (not one your ex would expect you at and have someone else with you) with your kids. You might be surprised how  therapeutic a game of tag with you children can be. Hold hand with your kids. Snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie. Read to them, particularly before bed. Tell them how much you love them.

Don't neglect yourself. Make sure you are eating well and resting, even if you can't sleep. Have supportive people you can talk to about your feelings. Fix your nails and your hair. Many women feel better just by starting out the day with a shower and some primping. Exercise and give some thought to yoga. Take a little time each and every day to do something you like-draw, write, read a book-something to help you relax. Mothers are notorious for neglecting themselves when problems arise. Don't forget to love yourself.

Remember...
*Never yell, swear or call your ex names to his face, to others, in front of the children, police, social workers-anybody.
*Never go to where your ex is and do not invite him to your home. Keep all communication in writing or between attorneys.
*Make sure your home and children are clean, everything is in order, and all appointments are kept at all times.
*Do not associate with anyone with drug and alcohol problems or a criminal history.
*Do not use drugs or alcohol at all. Get immediate help with any additions you might have.
*Always be friendly and polite with any professionals you encounter, even if their questions are insulting.
*Be involved with your children's school and make sure they know what is going.
*Don't forget about resources, support and information available from domestic violence shelters and support groups.
*Do not ever, not even once allow your ex to lure or bait you. Assume you are being recorded.

Court

Act and speak as if everything can be seen and heard by the court. Avoid doing or saying anything that you would be embarrassed to talk about in front of the judge. Keep everything, no matter how insignificant it may seem, in a box or binder. Use post-it notes to put notes to yourself or attorney on any documents. Keep originals and provide copies to your attorney. Print any e-mails from your ex, immediately, and save them in their own file in your inbox. Save any letters AND the envelopes that your ex sends you. Obtain copies of any reports by social workers or police officers. Obtain copies of any incident reports the police may have. Keep a notebook that includes dates and details of any incidents. Keep your emotions out of it (that can go in a journal but be careful of it being stolen and used against you) and stick to the facts. Write down everything so that you don't have to worry about remembering what happened and when.

You may have to give a deposition. That is where your ex's attorney will ask you questions under oath, but outside of court. The purpose is to find out what kind of witness you will be, what you will say in court and what his attorney needs to look into. Be completely honest, but don't volunteer information. Keep your answers short and simple. If you stick to the truth, you won't have to worry about getting confused. If you are asked a question and the answer may make you look bad without an explanation, answer it simply. Your attorney can ask you to explain it further in court. His attorney does not need you to let him know ahead of the actual hearing what your explanation is going to be-that just gives him time to prepare as to how to discredit you. You can not win you case during a deposition, but you can loose it. You are not trying to convince anybody of anything during a deposition. Do not let his attorney get you to respond emotionally, handle it very business like. Don't guess about the attorney's intentions or what he means. Ask for clarification if you need it and always pause before answering to give your attorney time to object. Your ex has likely lied to his attorney (no one tells their attorney they are violent and dangerous) and you are not there to set the record straight. Don't try to convince his attorney of anything. The less his attorney knows about the truth, the less he will be prepared for court.
The court might assign an attorney to the children, a custody evaluator, a guardian ad litem or a court appointed special advocate to represent the best interests of your children. In most cases they are not there to represent the wishes of your children, only what they feel is in the children's best interests. Many of these professionals are not specifically trained in domestic violence and often believe many of the popular myths about domestic violence. What few studies that have been done regarding these officers of the court and situations of domestic violence are not encouraging. Many believe they have the ability to "just tell" who is telling the truth or weather or not an individual is dangerous. Those are the same ones who are most at risk for being manipulated by a batterer. Be sure you have an attorney that will question this individual as to their training, how much research they did and how they drew their conclusions in court. Some attorneys are hesitant to discredit these professionals out of fear that it will damage other cases when this individual is involved. Some evaluators will investigate the situation. Others will only conduct limited interviews. If a professional is assigned to your case they should not need for you to give them every bit of information. You should provide enough information to help them understand the situation, but let them either investigate on their own to find out the rest, or when they don't they can be questioned on their lack of knowledge in court.

When you speak with court appointed officials mind your appearance. Dress conservatively and borrow clothes if you need to. Make sure your hair and nails are neat. Wear make-up but keep it natural and soft. Don't yell, swear or call your ex names. Remain calm. Don't get angry if you are asked insulting questions or if it appears that this individual has already taken the side of your ex. Say our children instead of my children. If your ex has not crossed lines to the point of being a danger to the children in unsupervised situations, express your desire for them to have a positive relationship with their father. If you are asking for supervised visitations do not let it come across as a punishment for his behavior. Stress your desire for their continued contact and your concerns for their safety. Don't repeat anything the children have told you word for word. If they say the same thing in the same way, this individual may think that means you told them what to say. You can ask your children about their experiences and feelings, but don't tell them what to say or how to say it.

Once you actually get to court, remember that first impressions and your appearance do matter. Often victims of domestic violence are a mess-broke, exhausted, afraid and angry. You can not walk into court looking a mess when your ex will walk in looking calm and collected. You might be able to make a sort of event out of it. Get together with your friends or do it alone, but take a long bath, use lotions and other little treats that tend to help you feel beautiful and confident. Fix your hair and nails. Pick out something conservative, feminine and nice. Borrow clothes if you need to. You don't need jewelry or designer clothing, especially if you are poor. Walk with your shoulders back and your head held high. When you sit, fold your hands in your lap. Do not react to your ex's testimony. Don't smirk or make other facial expressions. If you need to communicate something to your attorney, subtlety write it down.

Your ex may try to say that you have alienated the children. That has become a very popular strategy of batterers and is sometime effective. You will need to understand Parental Alienation Syndrome and I suggest you do some further reading on it. PAS essentially makes the victim have to focus on defending themselves and everything the a victim of abuse does becomes a symptom that proves PAS. Everything the children say that reflects negatively on the abuser becomes a symptom. PAS can be combated but you will need to arm yourselves with the facts surrounding this sexist and unproven "syndrome" so that you are not side blinded with it in court.

When you give your testimony remain calm. If you are trying to suppress your emotions than the little bit than still comes through will likely be the perfect amount. Do not allow his attorney to get you upset or angry. If you are asked "Isn't it true that you did this or that horrible thing" simply answer "No, it is not true." Keep your shoulders back and your head held high. Remember that you are strong and wonderful. His behavior is not your fault and you are not alone. Speak clearly. If a question is asked in an insulting way you might ask it to be restated-"I'm sorry, could you restate that please." Don't ask for too much to be restated or you might look like you are avoiding answering questions. You want to pause slightly-just long enough for your attorney to object, but not long enough to look like you have to think of an answer. Be confident, but not cocky. Your attorney can ask you to explain anything his attorney has tried to ask to make you look bad. This is a balancing act, but if you focused on being squeaky clean in your behavior and getting the support of people who have been in your shoes before you will be prepared for it.

If the judge directly asks you questions always answer by calling him/her your honor. Always refer to your children as our children. No matter what your ex has done the court wants to see that you view him as an important part of the kids lives, either now or at sometime in the future once he has gotten help for his destructive behaviors. Stress that your concern is for their safety. Make sure that if the court is going to award standard visitation that steps are taken to ensure your safety during exchanges. Remember to maintain an attitude of concern for your safety and that of the children, not anger at your ex for what he has done. The court expects you to be able to look past any anger for the benefit of the kids. Remember that judges, attorneys and other court appointed professionals have likely never experienced anything even close to what you have been through. During breaks, do not talk about your case unless you are absolutely sure that no one can hear you.

Women who bring up domestic violence, statically receive less favorable custody rewards. One possible reason for this is the myth that women are more likely to make false allegations during a divorce. That is a myth, but never the less it leads people to suspect that a women making accusations is being vindictive or trying to get the upper hand. You must avoid looking vindictive. The more evidence you have to prove his behaviors (police reports, arrests and witnesses), the more you can talk about that is based on your word alone. If you don't have anything other than your word, focus on things like your higher level of involvement in the children's lives during the marriage and simply ask the court for exchanges to take place somewhere safe-like a police station parking lot and that communication about the children take place in the form of e-mail. If you have evidence you can talk about things no one else has seen and ask for supervised visits. It takes a great deal of evidence to get supervised visits and you must be careful not to sound like it is about what you think he deserves, but about the children deserving to have some involvement with their father but that it must be safe.